I hate nights when I wake up really early in the morning and can’t go back to sleep. It is very frustrating. Last night I woke up at 4 a.m. and couldn’t go back to sleep for another two hours. It’s the weekend, I should be sleeping in not waking up early! Last night I almost got up and went to the park to walk around because I didn’t think I would fall back to sleep.

I watched the movie Vacancy last night. The movie was alright but I have to say I am really tired of horror movies where no one ever tries to find a weapon. The movies where your sitting there watching and yelling at the people for doing something so stupid. I thought that movie last night was like that. I know that if I thought someone was going to try and kill me (I dream about it all the time), I would look for a weapon ASAP. Hey, maybe thats just me.

I have been really sick for the last week. I think I have an infection. I finally broke down and asked my Mom if she has any antibiotics. I don’t have health insurance so I can’t go to see the doctor (Not like I would anyway, I hate the docotor.) I hate feeling ill. It makes the whole day drag. I feel really bad in the mornings but as the day goes by it gets better. I’ve been up since three this morning because I just couldn’t sleep. Everything was hurting. Lucky for me, my Mom is stopping by on her way to work to bring me the antibiotics. Two points for Mom.

I think it’s about time for a new layout. I need to get a little more creative and explore the wonderful world that is WordPress. If I’m still not feeling well this weekend it will be a perfect weekend project. Along with upgrading to the new 2.3 version.

I have been racking my brain all day trying to come up with a good word to describe my mood. I failed, and I’ve come up empty handed.

A very close family friend died a few days ago. I always considered him my uncle even though we weren’t related by blood. It was a hard pill to swallow and it has reminded me so much of my other uncles passing.

Yesterday I came home and I let Miaya (my dog) out. She started wimpering and crying like she was in pain. I tried to comfort her but she just kept wimpering. Eventually I discovered a battery on the ground that had been punctured. My dog had ingested battery acid. I quickly looked it up online and called the Vet. They of course said she should come in immediately. Her tongue is burnt and she has hardly eaten anything. In reality, I really can’t afford to take her to the vet right now, but I will if I have to. She seems to be doing better though.

Then, this morning my Grandma called really early and said my other uncle was in the hospital having surgery. I hardly even knew he was sick. Too many things going on for me to concentrate. I’m surviving though, purely on the thought of happy and missed memories. Hope all is well.

I’m so at a loss for words now. I feel completely exhausted. This whole ordeal has really taken its toll on me. I had to get out of this house last night and I had to see what I was missing so bad. I did go to the house, he wasn’t there and instead I found every single picture of me and/or us taken down or turned around. I wasn’t sure whether he was mad at me and decided he didn’t want to look at me or he had another girl over to the house and didn’t want her to see pictures of us. In the end I guess I decided that it was just the sign I needed. I grabbed the suit cases and started packing up my stuff right away. I was there until about 1:00 or so talking on the phone and packing stuff. I did take all of the pictures that were taken down and I left him only with what was left of the 365 hershey’s kisses from Christmas when I wrapped each one with a different reason why I love him. Probably one of the sweetest things I’ve done for anyone and one of the moments of our relationship that will always and forever be etched in my heart.

I went back this morning to get some more stuff. He was there this time and we had a litte bit of a talk he said he wasn’t expecting it, just as I wasn’t expecting to find every single picture ripped down. I took the pictures coming down as the sign of our break up and I think he took me moving out as the same thing. I think he expected me to wait for him. He said he didn’t take the pictures down to hurt me, but he did hurt me, although I’m glad he did it. That was what finally broke the bond and all hope that I had of us ever rekindling. Thinking back on our conversation today I appologized quite a few times for things which I really didn’t need to be apologizing for. I believe that today was probably the last time I’ll ever see him or hear from him again and suprisingly I think I’m really OK with that. Let me tell you though, it is really difficult moving your entire house into one room with a small four door sedan while it’s almost 90 degrees outside all by yourself. I’m beyond exhausted right now. I beleve that all of my broken heart symptoms are just making it worse.

The constant nasuea thing has started to subside slightly. I think I may have found someone to help take my mind off of him which helps. Nothing serious yet but someone to hang out with, talk to and then we’ll see where it goes. I’ve known him for a long time (about seven years), we liked each other at some point in the past but never admitted it to one another because other people were in the way. We both only recently admitted it to my cousin who has made it her soul purpose to get us together. He may be just what I need to help me through this. We’re going to get together this weekend. And I may join him and my cousin in a trip to Belize this Summer.

The loss of appetite hasn’t gone away, and I’m down 25 lbs now. Sheesh, at this rate I’ll be a stick figure soon.

I haven’t gotten a significant amount of sleep in the past two days so I’ve found myself drifting off into daytime naps a lot.

Suprisingly, I still have yet to cry. I’ve gotten choked up a few times but nothing happened. Today, I was sitting on the couch with Miaya (my constant reminder of him) and I told myself, “Just cry, it’s okay to let it all out, just cry.” Still nothing came I want so bad to just have a good cry about it but apparently there must be nothing for me to cry about. A friend told me that maybe that is a sign that this is what is supposed to be happening and I honestly think she is right. While I still care about him and love him deeply I think we both need to explore other things and people.

My biggest grief is moving back in with my Mom. Don’t get me wrong I love my Mom but I loved living on my own a whole lot more.

I have been working on a few different websites recently. I really don’t like my job…No, let me rephrase that: I like my job but I hate repetition. I hate doing the same thing every single day all week long. I get bored easily. Especially when I told them that I quit my last job because of lack of promotion. That of course isn’t true, I get promoted but without any pay increases. Now I’ve been at this job for almost a year and no promotion, and just a $0.35 raise. I think I just chose the wrong career course.

So I’ve been staying up until like two in the morning everyday working my butt of on some websites. I’ve about 80% finished automating this one and I want everyone to visit and add to their favorites and all that other jazz. It is my work at home website. I think that I know the internet very well, and well let’s face it, I work in collections and I have a lot of influence over other people. Anways I started a work at home website even though I do not actually work at home (full-time at least as I have a couple of side-businesses) I know a lot about it just from research, books, my internet expience, so on and so forth. So I made that one.

My other one is a scrapbook website that Jamie and I will work on and post different projects and such. I need to work on automating that one. I have switched over to Wordpress for these two new websites because it has more automation for the entire website, more plug-ins and features, and just an overall better program for the size of the projects I’m doing. I’m keeping greymatter for this though because I understand it SO much better, it has well over 200 entries stored, and I only have a limited # of databases that I can’t go using up.

The last one that I have I’m not sure what I will use it for but I’m hoping to promote my web design and maybe start making money off of that. I love the internet and I love internet development. I just learn more and more everyday and want to start putting it to work, or at least doing it part-time on the side.