I didn’t make it to disneyland this weekend. I was really looking foward to it but unforseen circumstances prevented me from going. I will make it there though, one day I will have this wonderful Disneyland vacation and all my dreams will come true.

So instead of going to Disneyland I blew the little bit of money that I had on some new living room furniture and decor. I’m so happy with it though. I’m actually love being in the living room now. I took a few shots of the new couch and the living room in general. My colors are red and black so of course my living room is the same. I’m in the process of doing the rest of the house too but more to come on that later. I still need a coffee table and some paint.

[Show as slideshow]

I would love to be able to write something happy and pleasant today but it’s just not happening. I’m going to write the absolute truth from my heart. I’m going to leave a lot out because to explain the full story would be a rather long post.

Will and I are supposed to be taking a ‘break’ which of course I have mixed feelings about. This time is unlike the first time we broke up. The first time it was my fault, I apologized a lot for it, check out forever… if you’ve never read it before. It is a clear entry on how I felt at the time and everything I had done wrong in our relationship. I can say I learned from those mistakes but I most have still screwed something up. The follow up entry sigh was written shortly after we got back together. It’s interesting to read all of the old entries. They make me smile and laugh.

This break was decided yesterday evening. It was his idea, not mine. I miss him tremendously. Sometimes things just happen out of the blue and it takes some time to regain your composure after having the wind knocked out of you. Well that is my dilemma, regaining my composure.

So up and out of no where he tells me he might have feelings for another girl. Yea, I kind of saw that one coming. Women’s intuition I guess. Anyways instead of breaking up we’re supposed to take a no dating other people break. It was not discussed for how long but in the mean time I’m living at my Mom’s and using the time to focus on me. I called him out on not being a man and putting himself in a situation that he shouldn’t have put himself in. Something I probably shouldn’t have said as he’s been one of the best men to enter my life. He did tell me that I was a great girlfriend an that I did nothing wrong. So why the need to go looking elsewhere? I must have done something wrong in our relationship.

My only wish is that we could have worked things out instead, it seems that our relationship has ended without even a hint of prior complication. It seems I was never given the chance to give him those giddy feelings that he felt when we first start dating and that he is now probably feeling for her. I’ll never know what it was that I did wrong to make him think that there was something better out there. I also probably rushed our seperation as I don’t think he was planning on leaving me yet. I knew something was a miss and after asking him about five times and listening to him deny it the truth finally came out. Which really sucks as it would have given me more time with him and to find out what I could improve on.

I’m feeling incredibly lonely but also slightly betrayed as any girl would. I’m trying my hardest to keep my mind off of him but it’s ridiculously hard. All the normal heart break symptoms arrived: constant nausea, loss of appetite (15lbs so far and counting), insomnia. There is no TV in this room so I can’t even use that to pass time. Funny thing is, I keep thinking I’m going to wake up from a bad dream as I have had many dreams about this before. I remember one specifically where he was leaving me I woke up to find him still sound a sleep right beside me. I started kissing, hugging and cuddling him because that dream felt so real and at that moment I realized how much I loved him and needed him in my life. With him I felt whole and complete. I felt like I could tell him anything. We shared many sweet moments together none of which I could ever forget.

Life is kind of funny like that sometimes, isn’t it? I just have no idea why things happen the way they do. And this hurts a lot more than I ever thought it would. Life is sometimes like an ongoing battle and we’re faced with so many choices day in and day out. How do we make the right ones?

Obviously I know I still have to talk to him some time in the very near future because of issues that were left unfinished and because I have to hear him actually tell me goodbye. Why do I think the outcome of this is going to be negative? Because it always is. I lose every guy, I don’t know why I thought this one would be different. Not to mention it’s pretty easy to leave someone you love when someone new and fresh is there waiting for you.

In the past I have been hung up on guys before and have written terribly long entries describing in detail every emotion I had. I promised myself and him that if this ever happened I wouldn’t do that. And please forgive me in advance if you don’t hear from me for a while. There are about a million things that I have to do now and about a billion things going through my head. I know that if I write something here then all of those emotions will probably start spilling out. I feel bad for putting my Mom out and she’s already told me I can’t live here forever.

Any kind words of encoragement are always appreciated.

Wordpress is installed and working properly. The layout is not done so look for changes coming soon. I’m so excited!

I transfered all of my Greymatter files over to this program but now I have to go through and categorize 200+ posts. I hate going through them too because some of them are very embarassing. Some of them are interesting and others I always think ‘what in the world was going on in my head that made me think that was a good post’. But it was like 4 years ago and I was young. I’ve learned since then. Not to mention it is really hard trying to catagorize these ’stupid’ posts.

I’ve found some interesting ones. Including one comment that I’ve always remembered that was written by someone who wasn’t and isn’t really a friend. Actually after this specific comment was written I shut down my site for a while. It hurt and looking back at it now I don’t even konw what he was talking about.