A few days ago I posted an entry with a picture. I even got a few comments on it but now it’s missing. I didn’t delete it or anything but it’s just gone. That is so weird. . .

So Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. I hope that everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving. I’m looking foward to the food and the infamous ‘Black Friday’. I will be out and about shopping tomorrow for a few Christmas presents. Best Buy is having some amazing sales, as usual, so I figure I might as well go do my Christmas shopping now. Cross you fingers and hope I don’t spend too much money

I’m running off about four hours of sleep. I didn’t go to bed last night until 3:00 a.m. that of course was my fault because I was out all night but I’m feeling it now.

Will haunts my dreams every single night. I’m not over exagerating here either but every night I dream about him. Sometimes we’re together, sometimes we’re not but usually I dream about us breaking up. When we were together I’d dream about us breaking up and I hated the feeling then. Then I actually had to go through the break up and I really hated it. Now, after that all has happened I STILL have to dream about it and feel that feeling about every other night. It’s not our actual break up but the way it happens chnages every single time. It makes me not want to go bed. In last nights dream his family was there too. I got to talk to his Mom and his Sister & brother in-law. Odd, huh? I’m sure the condition goes away but Ahh it drives me nuts.

Oh, and he hasn’t gotten his stuff or called about it. And I know there is stuff there that he actually wants like his trophies and a whole bunch of work uniforms. I don’t think work would be very happy if he just left those lying around do you?

I still think I’m on the rollar coaster to no where. I go up I go down, I do corkscrews and I do 360’s. Everytime I think I have everything figured out such as where I’m going to live, what I’m going to do, etc. Bam another drop comes. I was talking to a friend last night and he even said himself that he has been in similar situations but never thought so much could happen to one person in two weeks. There is more to the story since my last entry but I can’t write about it yet. We’ll just say I bent over backwards for someone who said we could rent a place together and now they’re kind of backing out on me. Figures.

So I hope that very soon I will be able to write happier entries but for now you gotta deal with this.

Unfortunately I have already worn out my welcome at my Mom’s. She doesn’t want me here. I can’t keep my dog and now must find some way to see if Will could be able to take her. After kicking me out I went to the old house and after lying down for a moment I realized that I couldn’t stay there. It is empty and depressing. So I got in my car and I started to drive and that’s when everything hit me at once and the tears starting flowing.

1. I have no where to go.
2. No one to run to.
3. My boyfriend left me for someone else and there was nothing I could do about it.
4. I have no steady stream of income.
5. No education.
6. All my credit cards are maxed out.
7. We just bought a $2,000 computer on my credit.
8. I have less than $600 which should actually be half his.
9. I have no friends.

Where did I go wrong? I drove and I cried for about fourty minutes. I stopped at a park then drove and cried some more. At the end of everything I wished so badly that I could blame everything on someone else and I realized I couldn’t. I called Will out on putting himself in a situation he shouldn’t have when I did the exact same thing. From day 1 I knew he would leave me, I told him so too. I let myself get too emotionally involved. I should have took the first time he liked someone else during our relationship as sign enough to get out quickly. So this is no one’s fault but mine.

It’s now late enough that my Mom won’t know I’m here. I came back to pick up some things. I have been trying to get a hold of my cousin but she isn’t there. It’s a good thing I had the cry though and a few more afterwards because somehow it helped ease the hurt. I felt lifeless and desolate afterwards and still do.

So this will most definitaly be my last entry for a while until I find out what I’m going to do and where I’m going to stay. This domain is set to expire in July so unless I get on my feet quick then it might go bye bye for a while. So this is au revoir for now.

I would love to be able to write something happy and pleasant today but it’s just not happening. I’m going to write the absolute truth from my heart. I’m going to leave a lot out because to explain the full story would be a rather long post.

Will and I are supposed to be taking a ‘break’ which of course I have mixed feelings about. This time is unlike the first time we broke up. The first time it was my fault, I apologized a lot for it, check out forever… if you’ve never read it before. It is a clear entry on how I felt at the time and everything I had done wrong in our relationship. I can say I learned from those mistakes but I most have still screwed something up. The follow up entry sigh was written shortly after we got back together. It’s interesting to read all of the old entries. They make me smile and laugh.

This break was decided yesterday evening. It was his idea, not mine. I miss him tremendously. Sometimes things just happen out of the blue and it takes some time to regain your composure after having the wind knocked out of you. Well that is my dilemma, regaining my composure.

So up and out of no where he tells me he might have feelings for another girl. Yea, I kind of saw that one coming. Women’s intuition I guess. Anyways instead of breaking up we’re supposed to take a no dating other people break. It was not discussed for how long but in the mean time I’m living at my Mom’s and using the time to focus on me. I called him out on not being a man and putting himself in a situation that he shouldn’t have put himself in. Something I probably shouldn’t have said as he’s been one of the best men to enter my life. He did tell me that I was a great girlfriend an that I did nothing wrong. So why the need to go looking elsewhere? I must have done something wrong in our relationship.

My only wish is that we could have worked things out instead, it seems that our relationship has ended without even a hint of prior complication. It seems I was never given the chance to give him those giddy feelings that he felt when we first start dating and that he is now probably feeling for her. I’ll never know what it was that I did wrong to make him think that there was something better out there. I also probably rushed our seperation as I don’t think he was planning on leaving me yet. I knew something was a miss and after asking him about five times and listening to him deny it the truth finally came out. Which really sucks as it would have given me more time with him and to find out what I could improve on.

I’m feeling incredibly lonely but also slightly betrayed as any girl would. I’m trying my hardest to keep my mind off of him but it’s ridiculously hard. All the normal heart break symptoms arrived: constant nausea, loss of appetite (15lbs so far and counting), insomnia. There is no TV in this room so I can’t even use that to pass time. Funny thing is, I keep thinking I’m going to wake up from a bad dream as I have had many dreams about this before. I remember one specifically where he was leaving me I woke up to find him still sound a sleep right beside me. I started kissing, hugging and cuddling him because that dream felt so real and at that moment I realized how much I loved him and needed him in my life. With him I felt whole and complete. I felt like I could tell him anything. We shared many sweet moments together none of which I could ever forget.

Life is kind of funny like that sometimes, isn’t it? I just have no idea why things happen the way they do. And this hurts a lot more than I ever thought it would. Life is sometimes like an ongoing battle and we’re faced with so many choices day in and day out. How do we make the right ones?

Obviously I know I still have to talk to him some time in the very near future because of issues that were left unfinished and because I have to hear him actually tell me goodbye. Why do I think the outcome of this is going to be negative? Because it always is. I lose every guy, I don’t know why I thought this one would be different. Not to mention it’s pretty easy to leave someone you love when someone new and fresh is there waiting for you.

In the past I have been hung up on guys before and have written terribly long entries describing in detail every emotion I had. I promised myself and him that if this ever happened I wouldn’t do that. And please forgive me in advance if you don’t hear from me for a while. There are about a million things that I have to do now and about a billion things going through my head. I know that if I write something here then all of those emotions will probably start spilling out. I feel bad for putting my Mom out and she’s already told me I can’t live here forever.

Any kind words of encoragement are always appreciated.