Unfortunately I have already worn out my welcome at my Mom’s. She doesn’t want me here. I can’t keep my dog and now must find some way to see if Will could be able to take her. After kicking me out I went to the old house and after lying down for a moment I realized that I couldn’t stay there. It is empty and depressing. So I got in my car and I started to drive and that’s when everything hit me at once and the tears starting flowing.

1. I have no where to go.
2. No one to run to.
3. My boyfriend left me for someone else and there was nothing I could do about it.
4. I have no steady stream of income.
5. No education.
6. All my credit cards are maxed out.
7. We just bought a $2,000 computer on my credit.
8. I have less than $600 which should actually be half his.
9. I have no friends.

Where did I go wrong? I drove and I cried for about fourty minutes. I stopped at a park then drove and cried some more. At the end of everything I wished so badly that I could blame everything on someone else and I realized I couldn’t. I called Will out on putting himself in a situation he shouldn’t have when I did the exact same thing. From day 1 I knew he would leave me, I told him so too. I let myself get too emotionally involved. I should have took the first time he liked someone else during our relationship as sign enough to get out quickly. So this is no one’s fault but mine.

It’s now late enough that my Mom won’t know I’m here. I came back to pick up some things. I have been trying to get a hold of my cousin but she isn’t there. It’s a good thing I had the cry though and a few more afterwards because somehow it helped ease the hurt. I felt lifeless and desolate afterwards and still do.

So this will most definitaly be my last entry for a while until I find out what I’m going to do and where I’m going to stay. This domain is set to expire in July so unless I get on my feet quick then it might go bye bye for a while. So this is au revoir for now.

I’m so at a loss for words now. I feel completely exhausted. This whole ordeal has really taken its toll on me. I had to get out of this house last night and I had to see what I was missing so bad. I did go to the house, he wasn’t there and instead I found every single picture of me and/or us taken down or turned around. I wasn’t sure whether he was mad at me and decided he didn’t want to look at me or he had another girl over to the house and didn’t want her to see pictures of us. In the end I guess I decided that it was just the sign I needed. I grabbed the suit cases and started packing up my stuff right away. I was there until about 1:00 or so talking on the phone and packing stuff. I did take all of the pictures that were taken down and I left him only with what was left of the 365 hershey’s kisses from Christmas when I wrapped each one with a different reason why I love him. Probably one of the sweetest things I’ve done for anyone and one of the moments of our relationship that will always and forever be etched in my heart.

I went back this morning to get some more stuff. He was there this time and we had a litte bit of a talk he said he wasn’t expecting it, just as I wasn’t expecting to find every single picture ripped down. I took the pictures coming down as the sign of our break up and I think he took me moving out as the same thing. I think he expected me to wait for him. He said he didn’t take the pictures down to hurt me, but he did hurt me, although I’m glad he did it. That was what finally broke the bond and all hope that I had of us ever rekindling. Thinking back on our conversation today I appologized quite a few times for things which I really didn’t need to be apologizing for. I believe that today was probably the last time I’ll ever see him or hear from him again and suprisingly I think I’m really OK with that. Let me tell you though, it is really difficult moving your entire house into one room with a small four door sedan while it’s almost 90 degrees outside all by yourself. I’m beyond exhausted right now. I beleve that all of my broken heart symptoms are just making it worse.

The constant nasuea thing has started to subside slightly. I think I may have found someone to help take my mind off of him which helps. Nothing serious yet but someone to hang out with, talk to and then we’ll see where it goes. I’ve known him for a long time (about seven years), we liked each other at some point in the past but never admitted it to one another because other people were in the way. We both only recently admitted it to my cousin who has made it her soul purpose to get us together. He may be just what I need to help me through this. We’re going to get together this weekend. And I may join him and my cousin in a trip to Belize this Summer.

The loss of appetite hasn’t gone away, and I’m down 25 lbs now. Sheesh, at this rate I’ll be a stick figure soon.

I haven’t gotten a significant amount of sleep in the past two days so I’ve found myself drifting off into daytime naps a lot.

Suprisingly, I still have yet to cry. I’ve gotten choked up a few times but nothing happened. Today, I was sitting on the couch with Miaya (my constant reminder of him) and I told myself, “Just cry, it’s okay to let it all out, just cry.” Still nothing came I want so bad to just have a good cry about it but apparently there must be nothing for me to cry about. A friend told me that maybe that is a sign that this is what is supposed to be happening and I honestly think she is right. While I still care about him and love him deeply I think we both need to explore other things and people.

My biggest grief is moving back in with my Mom. Don’t get me wrong I love my Mom but I loved living on my own a whole lot more.

I would love to be able to write something happy and pleasant today but it’s just not happening. I’m going to write the absolute truth from my heart. I’m going to leave a lot out because to explain the full story would be a rather long post.

Will and I are supposed to be taking a ‘break’ which of course I have mixed feelings about. This time is unlike the first time we broke up. The first time it was my fault, I apologized a lot for it, check out forever… if you’ve never read it before. It is a clear entry on how I felt at the time and everything I had done wrong in our relationship. I can say I learned from those mistakes but I most have still screwed something up. The follow up entry sigh was written shortly after we got back together. It’s interesting to read all of the old entries. They make me smile and laugh.

This break was decided yesterday evening. It was his idea, not mine. I miss him tremendously. Sometimes things just happen out of the blue and it takes some time to regain your composure after having the wind knocked out of you. Well that is my dilemma, regaining my composure.

So up and out of no where he tells me he might have feelings for another girl. Yea, I kind of saw that one coming. Women’s intuition I guess. Anyways instead of breaking up we’re supposed to take a no dating other people break. It was not discussed for how long but in the mean time I’m living at my Mom’s and using the time to focus on me. I called him out on not being a man and putting himself in a situation that he shouldn’t have put himself in. Something I probably shouldn’t have said as he’s been one of the best men to enter my life. He did tell me that I was a great girlfriend an that I did nothing wrong. So why the need to go looking elsewhere? I must have done something wrong in our relationship.

My only wish is that we could have worked things out instead, it seems that our relationship has ended without even a hint of prior complication. It seems I was never given the chance to give him those giddy feelings that he felt when we first start dating and that he is now probably feeling for her. I’ll never know what it was that I did wrong to make him think that there was something better out there. I also probably rushed our seperation as I don’t think he was planning on leaving me yet. I knew something was a miss and after asking him about five times and listening to him deny it the truth finally came out. Which really sucks as it would have given me more time with him and to find out what I could improve on.

I’m feeling incredibly lonely but also slightly betrayed as any girl would. I’m trying my hardest to keep my mind off of him but it’s ridiculously hard. All the normal heart break symptoms arrived: constant nausea, loss of appetite (15lbs so far and counting), insomnia. There is no TV in this room so I can’t even use that to pass time. Funny thing is, I keep thinking I’m going to wake up from a bad dream as I have had many dreams about this before. I remember one specifically where he was leaving me I woke up to find him still sound a sleep right beside me. I started kissing, hugging and cuddling him because that dream felt so real and at that moment I realized how much I loved him and needed him in my life. With him I felt whole and complete. I felt like I could tell him anything. We shared many sweet moments together none of which I could ever forget.

Life is kind of funny like that sometimes, isn’t it? I just have no idea why things happen the way they do. And this hurts a lot more than I ever thought it would. Life is sometimes like an ongoing battle and we’re faced with so many choices day in and day out. How do we make the right ones?

Obviously I know I still have to talk to him some time in the very near future because of issues that were left unfinished and because I have to hear him actually tell me goodbye. Why do I think the outcome of this is going to be negative? Because it always is. I lose every guy, I don’t know why I thought this one would be different. Not to mention it’s pretty easy to leave someone you love when someone new and fresh is there waiting for you.

In the past I have been hung up on guys before and have written terribly long entries describing in detail every emotion I had. I promised myself and him that if this ever happened I wouldn’t do that. And please forgive me in advance if you don’t hear from me for a while. There are about a million things that I have to do now and about a billion things going through my head. I know that if I write something here then all of those emotions will probably start spilling out. I feel bad for putting my Mom out and she’s already told me I can’t live here forever.

Any kind words of encoragement are always appreciated.

What can I say about Pirates of the Caribbean At World’s End…Well I think it had a crappy ending. [No spoilers] Other than that is was entertaining and intense. Captain Jack sure did seem to have gone a little mad though. Some elements of the movie mildly reminded me of a 1960’s horror movie where the horror elements are 100% their normal size but what the hey, sometimes we need to re-live the past.

Bought Pan’s Labyrinth today, I didn’t realize that the whole movie was in Spanish with English subtitles. I was wondering why it had one three Academy Awards and I had never heard of it, not in theaters or elsewhere. I haven’t watched the movie yet (I hate subtitles) but if they are making such a huuplah over it then it must be good, right? Please let me know.

Staying at home has it’s perks and it’s cons but I can say I like the extra sleep and being able to work on my own schedule. The past week has been difficult on my personal life but I can happily say I’m absolutely learning from my mistakes each and every day that I make them. And while everything may seem peachy keen to appearance a deeper look inside will reveal I’m screaming for someone to come save me. Sounds a little ‘emo’ don’t ya think?

Officer steals Marijuana was a great laugh.