I have dreams nearly everynight that someone is trying to kill me. I always wonder if I am fore-seeing the future or something. I don’t know if this is just something I am terribly afraid of or what but I don’t like it. I am the kind of person that dreams a lot and my dreams seem almost real to me. Which kind of sucks because when I wake up I always have to ask myself and whoever else if the stuff really happened. It is pretty scary sometimes to not know what is reality and what is just a dream. Even worse is when you wish reality was a dream and your dream was reality.

Some days I hate myself and some days I think I just can’t go on like this. There are a few reasons why I stick around. It could be my family, it could be love, it could be that the tiny little piece of joy that life actually does bring is enough to keep me going for one more day.

I’ve made my mistakes and day by day I learn from them. Some of them are irreversible. I can break someones heart into tiny little pieces but I can probably never find them all and glue them back together. On the other side, I could paint my room black and realize it is too dark for my liking and paint it yellow instead. Mistakes are the way we grow. I learn day by day and make decisions that ultimately alter the course of my life every day. I could choose to kiss him one last time never knowing if it will be last time. I could choose to take a different route to work that ends up making me late and losing my job. I could choose to light a candle and take a shower only to get out to find my candle has lit the house on fire. Regardless of how many countless mistakes I make I know that one thing is for certain: Tomorrow is not promised. So even though I hate myself and where I’m at some days I appreciate the days I’m given.

I appreciate my love and everything he has done for me though I know tomorrow could be the day he tells me he doesn’t love me anymore. And I know I make mistakes with him, he is the biggest learning experience I have ever had. As Billy Joel would put it in his song “Ain’t No Crime” ‘You may love ‘em forever, but you won’t want ‘em everyday.’ And of course that is a normal phase in any relationship. You go from a very exciting relationship to just going day by day. Then to thinking, ‘it seems like we’re just roomates or something.’ The pressure of life gets in the way. I’ve learned from this that these are all stages of relationships they come, they go, and they pass. It’s just nature. Of course, hanging in there is not always that easy but it is always well worth it. I feel proud that I appreciate him as a person, not just a lover. Love and love making can come and go but I know that I love him as a person and that’s what lasts. Love is a gift it is not a right and it is a decision not a feeling.

Learning from my mistakes is just an part of life. It helps me to appreciate life. For every one person that commits suicide there are probably ten other people that die in a car accident who would have done anything for the suicides life. Life really is precious, as is love, trust and hope. So, since tomorrow is never promised I’m going to live like today is my last day. I’m going to kiss the man I love not knowing if I’ll ever get to taste that again. I will tell my Mom that I love her because she may never hear it again. I will eat a good dinner, watch and interesting show, make myself laugh, buy those shoes I’ve been eyeing, and live like it’s my last.