We’re back together and all I can do is sigh. Everyday I learn something new. My lesson for today? Love is a daily battle. At the end of each day you have to be able to LET IT ALL GO. All the stress, anger, frustration, everything. You have to be able to let it go on a daily basis and then turn to the one you love give them a big hug and kiss for loving you and taking care of you daily. It is worth it.

I’m going to be a red crayon for Halloween. Nice, huh? Actually it wasn’t my idea, and the whole lending department (5 people) are going to be crayons. I made my red outfit and the black ovals that we’re hanging over our necks I made as well. I did my best to re-create and actual crayon in real life size. I have to admit, it looks pretty darn good! Pictures later. Have a safe and fun Halloween.

I’ve realized that I only want to write in here when I feel the need to express something and when I am unhappy. This is an unhappy entry. I have realized that when something is truly bugging me, I feel a greater need to write down my feelings then to say them aloud. I’ve said a lot of things in here in the past that have gotten me in BIG trouble. It is still my domain and my territory to say what ever I feel. No anger, just frustration, tears, and stress. I may not be able to say it aloud or call and tell him but this is how I honestly feel, weather I say it aloud or not:

I have ruined the best thing that ever happened to me. Will and I did indeed break up. This was my fault. He was nearly the perfect man and truly loved me. I didn’t show him the same love back with actions and instead nagged at him and let my jealousy and distrust get the better of me. I pushed him away time and time again for the entire last month. Not by choice but it is the only thing I’ve ever known, I’ve done it time and time again in the past. I was selfish, I tried to keep him all to myself without realizing that he had needs to and needed to be out and about with friends or family sometimes. I was also selfish in the sense that I made our entire relationship about me. ‘Do the dishes, rub my feet, or my arm, go get me water’ Yet I never did any of these things in return for him. I’ve tried to learn from my mistakes and have been reading more and more of Dr. Laura’s Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Oh how I wish I had read this before we moved in together. Now I’m stuck in a rut and I pushed him so much he had to do away with me. I didn’t believe him and pushed him away when he was trying to show how he still desired me and was still passionate about me. Then I questioned him and questioned him until finally I told him to tell me he didn’t want to be with me. I’m an idiot, an ass, and a first class grade A Bitch. He was my life and the only thing that made it worth living but I took it all for granted and didn’t appreciate him as much as I should have and tell him that he is my hero each and every day. I hope I can learn from my mistakes and I hope that one day in the future he can learn to fogive me for the hurt I caused him. I’d tell him all this myself but I’m afraid he would reject me. So instead I left him a letter on his nightstand that hopefully he will read and see that I’m so sorry for everything.

I sit here now at home, alone, and in desperate need for affection, getting wasted with some blue fruity little drink hoping it will help me sleep tonight.

My life as a bill collector is somewhat exciting. I never really thought I’d ever work in collections and now that I do, I have to say it is something really unique. I love my job and hate it at the same time. I mean repossessing cars is the best I love to do that but hearing people yell about it afterwards is not so much fun. Not to long ago I had a member come in to my branch to talk to me because we repossessed his truck and had his car out for repo as well. He didn’t know the car was out for repo and was quite mad when I told him it was. He wanted to pay on the car, but didn’t have enough to pay it up to date and cancel the repossession as well. I told him I could not do it and I couldn’t except any partial payments. He had a fit and started yelling so loud his voice was echoing throught the Credit Union. He ran out of there in a hissy. He then came back not even three hours later with all the money. It’s really funny how after their cars are repoed they seem to mysteriously come up with the money to pay it.

I found this new show that I love called repo men. I think it’s on Discovery Times. Very good show, but maybe I only think that because of the collector inside of me. :laugh:

So I happen to be a very obsessed One Tree Hill fan. I have been watching this show since the very first episode and I just can’t seem to part with it. I have tried and failed miserably during the second season. haha I actually have quite a few of those television dramas and reality shows that I watch frequently: Vernica Mars, America’s Next Top Model, One Tree Hill, Supernatural, & Family Guy. I happen to be a very proud television junky. I was watching One Tree Hill tonight and they advertised the next episode as us finding out about Peyton’s former internet stalker now impostering her half brother. I have to say I was a little disturbed when I saw him in a room with a prostitute dressed up like her, where he then takes off his shirt to reveal a tattoo of her on his back! Now that is devotion!!

I guess I just can’t get over the thrill of watching a new episode of one of my favorite shows. I own all of the seasons of Family Guy and one of Veronica Mars but I plan on buying the other. I made Will watch it with me and now he’s obsessed too. At least One Tree Hill deals with real life problems like abortion and e-stalkers. haha There is hope for todays youth, learn from the shows you watch and stop posting all of that personal information about yourself on MySpace!

New layout. It’s not much but I was bored and needed something to do. It’s been so long since I did something on the computer I’m kind of excited about this. I’m keeping things simple now. I don’t have a lot of time to update and I’m not sure what to say anyway so I’m just back to the basics.

I read that the trailer for Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix is going to premiere on November 17th before the new movie Happy Feet. It works out perfectly because I had already wanted to see Happy Feet and, well who doesn’t want to see the trailer for Harry Potter. Excited?